darkdeserteagle

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I hate my life.

Exactly 14 hours and 44 minutes until this over. Goody.

Maybe I'll take up writing in this thing again. Maybe there's something to be said for it. It's kind of sad when you think about back when we all used to write in these. Though honestly, there's not much of a we to speak of, just people I used to be friends with. Or still am. I guess my point was just that it's very much a part of my past and not at all a part of my present. Though, really, that's sort of the idea. There are things I used to be that I need back, right about now. Not being a ninny, being at the very top of that list. Though I'm getting there, I think. God, I qualify everything. That should probably stop. And I did it again. That SHOULD stop. No probably about it. I need to learn (re-learn, really) how to tell people the truth, even when it sucks. For them, that is, I finally got the hang of telling the truth when it's hard for me. I cosset people, and then I resent them for it. But they're not Nathan and I'm not going to break them. Also, I need to stop letting people have their way when they act like five year olds. Unless they just want a cookie or something. I mean, it's a freaking cookie.

Also, it's funny how we say that we'll never make someone else's mistake and then we do. Almost exactly. Or maybe that's just me.

For the first time in a very long time, I honestly no idea what the fuck I want. From anything. Except a haircut, I need one of those. The second season of Veronica Mars would be cool too.

For some reason when writing in this thing I repeat the same sentence beginnings, over and over. It annoys me.

I haven't written anything in this journal for months now. It's funny, because I've had a hell of a lot to say, and actually telling people things has developed an unfortunate tendency to blow up in my face. Plus, I've been doing my stupid whiny little emo bitch thing. Though I think maybe I'm a little bit allowed after the wreck that was last year.

Anyways, my point.

I did something stupid. Not massively stupid, in fact, on the scale of stupid things I've done it doesn't even rate. It was also stupidity deriving from my confusion and hurt about a lot of unresolved crap in my life. But it was directed at a friend and it had consequences far beyond what I intended. This is, mind you, someone who has treated me like absolute crap in the past (we were sort of involved, it's a long very unpleasant story), by his own admission. And so I screwed up, I was trying to figure out how to be ok, because I was finally getting to a point where that was a possibility, and I essentially asked him for help, in what, I admit, was completely the wrong the way, but only because I really didn't know what to do. And he got really really mad at me. And for a while I was just mad back, but all of my friends already hated each other, and I just didn't want to have any more anger in my life so I backed down and said I was sorry, because it became obvious this was a battle I wasn't going to win. In the process of doing so, he yelled at me, and told me I was stupid and annoying. Well, that I was being stupid and annoying, but at that point it feels the same. And I tried to explain where I was coming from, but he just told me it was stupid. And to a certain degree, he was probably right, a lot of it was kind of dumb. But I just needed him to at least try to understand, and honestly it wouldn't have been so difficult. Not to mention the fact that his anger was so utterly out of proportion with the level of my stupidity. After he finally calmed down, and seemed to feel a little bad about the yelling, I said something about not having expected him to talk to me (which I'd asked him to do, in order to stop the anger) even to yell. And this is what he said to me, "I treated you really badly last year, but I'm not that person anymore." But, you know what, I don't think anything he did to me last year, no matter how miserable it might have made me, was half as bad as the way he treated me in the last week. Because none of that made me think less of him, really, but this honestly did. I asked him for help and he told me I was being stupid, without giving any thought to the circumstances. I fought so hard to make this friendship work, and now I'm starting to feel like it really wasn't worth it at all. Irony's a bitch.

Alright, so I'm at work and very bored, and I've been making a list of all the things I need to do before I go to college (from get socks from my mom's house and deposit my paycheck filling out forms and buying a dictionary). As such I decided to make a list of books I want/need to read, and in order to do start looking up lists of great books. I found one that compares the critics and readers picks. The critics one is pretty standard, the top four being Ulysses, The Great Gatsby, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, and Lolita, with Faulkner, Huxely, Heller, Steinbeck, and Lawrence all right below them. Then there was the reader list. The top 2 are Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. I have to say I had no idea Ayn Rand was that popular (and I'm a little disturbed by it, she's crazy), but the rest of it is even weirder. These are followed by a number of L. Ron Hubbard books on which shitty sci-fi movies are based. The Lord of the Rings is number four. And then there's even more Ayn Rand (she's not even easy to read! Neither is Tolkien) and sci-fi. Yet what may be the weirdest aspect of this list is the presence of six or seven Charles deLint novels, of which most, if not all, are out of print (though the list was written in 1998). Don't get me wrong, I like his books, but nothing that would ever even be considered for a great books list should go out of print that quickly. Anyways, it was very strange. Very, very strange...

As it turns out the top non-fiction books on the reader's list are by or about Rand, as well. Though the second one is by the Hubbard fellow and about Dianetics. And this list is compiled by Random House...hmm....

This week I have:
Morally compromised myself
Become an alcoholic
Bought two packs of cigarettes
Chain-smoked
Witnessed the effects of my corrupting influence on my brother
Been told that Chris and I would have children with pretty hair (and very fucked up minds)
Set myself up to lose most of my friends

The funny thing is that it has actually been a pretty good week. I'm sick of keeping up appearances and taking care that no one gets their toes stepped on. I wish people didn't take everything so seriously, I hate it when I do it to. My life, by all accounts, is completely ridiculous, so why not laugh about it? There are some things you can change, and there are some you can't. And so after everything, I'm still the same old me, and it no longer bothers me. We are what we are.

And this is the part where we laugh hysterically. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. HAHAH. HAH. My life is hilarious. Half in a good way and half in an absolutely horrible way. Thus, my brain kind of hurts. Where by kind of I mean really. I'm ridiculously jittery right now. I have to do my Euro project and it's practically impossible to focus on it. Stupid weird nervous energy of doom. This is ridiculous, I'm going back to working on my project now.

Bah. For some reason I find it necessary to update this. I have spent the past four days being terrifyingly productive. I have begun cleaning so as to avoid thinking. Cooking too. Somehow I seem to have decided that overhauling everything from my wardrobe to my sleep patterns will make some difference in my life. This is stupid. I know this is stupid. It is, nonetheless, preferable to my other options, which vary from mildly idiotic to completely self-destructive. I turn eighteen in two weeks and I have twelve days left of high school, yet my life still reads like the script for a bad Disney channel movie. And I still have no idea what's bothering me. So I'm going to clean out my closet and all of my drawers and my bathroom and my jewelry box, I'll pick up a few hobbies, get second piecings in my eats, do SOMETHING. Because I haven't got anything else to do except watch tv or drink myself into a stupor, neither of which do much for my IQ.

Going to Chicago in the morning. My mom's been freaking out. Senior ditch day on Thursday. There's chaos surrounding prom. No one really wants to go with the person they're supposed to be going with at this point, or at least that's the impression I get. I'm done with the entire situation. I like the Fray, so I wanna go to see them and drink from a flask. But I'm pretty much checked out with regard to everything. I've given up attempting to make people make sense. They don't. They suck. I suppose I'm out of touch, removed, whatever. Don't care. The weather's nice. I got a new cell phone, it's pretty and it actually works. I'm trying to be positive, trying to resign myself to the inevitable. These two things contradict somewhat. Ah well, it's my own damn fault. I rather think I really fucked up. Oh well. I think I'm gonna stick to the apathy thing, cause otherwise my life is just too depressing. Yay. That's not even taotally sarcastic. Just mostly.

I just read thirty pages about hell. And the eternal suffering thereof. If Joyce weren't already dead, I might have to kill him. Seriously.
In other news, you'll absolutely never guess who else is going to UChicago. Connor O'steen. And this is the part where I go to Tufts. Only not, because that's dumb, but STILL. Is it actually possible for my luck to be any worse? Honestly.
Also on the bad luck point, I have a rather bad feeling about this whole prom thing. I see this going bad places. That could just be my pessimism. I guess.
As for the rest of the week, it should be rather boring. Chris is going to California, and I have to get a bracket glued back on tomorrow at 8 in the morning. Saturday could be fun though. I dunno, there's just been too much stress lately.

Next time I get that angry, somebody dunk my head in a bucket of water.
Next time I'm that much of a bitch, someone slap me.

Thank you. New York was interesting, to say the least. Hell is now officically frozen. I'm going to sleep.

I'm posting on this because if I don't do something my fucking head is going to explode. I'm rather desperately attempting to save some shred of sanity. Failing, but that;s how it goes I suppose. I just LOVE the assumptions people make. Really. Just like I love drama, love being stuck in the middle, love people, love my fucking life. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I can't keep track of everything, and people are always asking me questions asking me to do something asking my opinion. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT! I'm not the fucking messiah, I don't have all the goddamn answers, and I can't make the world a better place. I'm sick and fucking tired of trying to be mature about everything, fix everything, kepp everyone from killing each other or themselves. Because it's making me lose my mind, and it has been for MONTHS. Oh yeah, and don't bother to ask me if I'm okay, cause I haven't been that for YEARS. I do the best I can, and right now, all I want is my life back. The one where I had friends, and things were ok, even if I didn't know half the senior class or go to parties every weekend. It just ruins everything anyways. Of course, wanting something doesn't count for much at all. I hate the person I'm becoming, and I still can't stop it. Why try anyways? What's it worth? Nothing at all, because there's always someone, something waiting right around the corner to ruin it all. Besides, everything comes out wrong and no one believes you when you say it right. So why bother? Having faith in people is like believing in Santa Claus. Naive, idealistic, and just plain dumb.

I HATE THE FUCKING ROMANTICS.

But you know what I hate even more? People who know abso-fucking-lutely nothing about the Romantics. Especially when they're my teacher and they're rambling about how awesome Blake is. Ms. Arapkilies rambles intelligently. That's ok. But when my teacher tells me the Transcendentalists didn't read the Romantics, it becomes a problem. Oh I think they did. Particularly considering they were writing 60 years later. And then I killed all the stupid people in the world. Especially the ones who think they know what they're fucking talking about. Graduate students should know more about their subject than me. So why don't they? The one for my math class was actually worse than me at algebra. How is that possible? Please GOD let me go someplace where this doesn't happen to me constantly. Preferably where I can have intelligent discussions about literature with people who have actually read books beyond the level of Alice in Wonderland.

Other than that, today was highly uneventful. My life is highly uneventful, at that. Except for the mass quantities of alcohol I have been imbibing lately. My liver is extremely unhappy. But this weekend we have MUN instead of partying. Definitely a good thing. It's true what they say about second semester senior year, but you have to get there to understand I think. I so don't even kind of care anymore. I just want people to stop imposing on me with their stupidity.

( My life in a nutshell )

I like how I said I wasn't going to deal with livejournal anymore, yet here I am. I give up or something. This week has been just grand. And everything's great. Yep.

So I thought about ranting, or posting angry lyrics or making accusations. But instead I'll just say this:
I really fucking hate high school.

You know the rule - Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Name ten things that bring you a moment of joy; tag five friends to do the same.
1) Hearing the perfect song on the radio
2) The end of happy (or possibly sappy) movie
3) A book's final plot twist
4) The adrenaline rush after reaching the bottom of the hill (on skis)
5) Sunny days when the ground is covered in snow
6) Going someplace
7) Extremely drunken messages on my voicemail
8) Hanging out with random (cool) people, who I hardly know
9) Hell freezing over, in other words, when really weird things happen
10) Going on video game binges

I tag...Mary...and yeah, that's it.

My life is way too weird.

I am a computer genius! Ok not really at all, I just needed a moment of joy after defeating the evil that is my mother's picture program. AND I actually managed to get a powerpoint presentation onto a CD in such a way that another computer can read it. Yes, I suck at using my computer. Hence the joy. Other than that life is pretty much a pain in the ass, though I do have an exciting proof:
1. As you may know Descartes famously argued, "I think, therefore I am." There is valid logic behind this, but I can't be bothered to explain it.
2. The reverse of this is "I do not think, therefore I am not."
3. Stupid people do not think.
4. Hence stupid people do not exist.

It's officially Valentine's Day. The worst damn holiday of the year. Happy day.

I hate livejournal. A lot. The truth is, no one else has any need or right to know what I do or what I think, unless I choose to tell them. So it's entirely possible that I will delete this thing. Or, more likely, just use it to read the friends page and post stuff about college, or something. Cause as much as I'd love having some place to think out loud, this really isn't my medium of choice anymore.

Panic at the Disco has the coolest song names. Yes. Niki nearly died today. And by that I mean Claire and I nearly killed her, or ourselves. Stupid Christopher. From now on I have to pre-approve his choices in women. Or at least someone besides Michael does. The rest of today was pretty cool, though. Philosophy still disturbs me a little, however. I had to read something by Baron d'Holbach (I think we talked about him very briefely in Euro) and it was one of the most nihilistic things ever. All of our choices are dictated self-benefit, and cannot occur differently, beecause they are the only choice we could make in the circumstance according to our nature. Essentially, we really don't have a choice about anything we do. And the scary part is that it makes perfect sense. Human choices are essentially predicitable, assuming you have all the information. Which it is almost impossible, but I can take a pretty good stab at it most of the time anyways. So can anyone who's paying attention. Great. I really can't help anything I do. Even writing this.

It really fucking bothers me that I STILL feel bad about listening to some music, because certain people (aka Nathan) constantly told me how terrible it is. It hasn't stopped me from listening to whatever I want for a while but I feel tremendously self-concious about it. Which is stupid. So. For the record, I like that Fallout Boy song "Dance, Dance" I like Something Corporate, and The Fray, and a whole bunch of other music that I'm sure is quite "awful." And if you have a problem with that you can just go to hell. OK. I feel better now.
Lately I've been rather depressed by my philosophy class's debate. Basically, all human choices are either dictated by circumstance or chance, meaning we don't actually have any control over them. Oh great. I'm also rather disturbed by the fact that most characters I relate to either kill themselves or live depressing lives and die sad and alone. Or are in some other way extremely fucked up. This can't be good.
Other than that, skipped the MUN thing today and went to Underworld: Evolution. It wasn't as bad as I expected, actually. At least the boy was cute. Counts for something. I need to stop being antisocial, it's probably not good for me. But people bother me. I had to fight down the urge to slap Kerry's stupid friend earlier. It was terrible. She almost drove me fucking batty.
Yup. That's about it. My hair is in a ponytail for the first time in forever. Yipdeedoo.

I'm losing my mind. I need to get out of here. I hate waiting. I'm so sick of it. For some reason I'm happiest when moving, in whatever capacity. I can't sit still and when I do I fall asleep. There's nothing to do, except school and it's impossible to care at this point. Second semester grades don't count for shit. At all, unless you do really badly and I can get B's without trying. People aren't worth the effort, and so I'm left at loose ends. Everything is over and done with and I'm just counting the days until it's official. I hate how predictable everything is. People especially. Not always, but a lot of the time. I suppose I ought to be more engaged in my surroundings, be more social, yadda yadda. Only I don't care. I just want to be done, I want to be gone. Somewhere far, far away.